Spring has well and truly sprung and we are now running full pelt towards Summer which, after the dark dark mornings and dark dark nights, pale and manky skin and having to wear so many clothes you look like a bloated whale, is more than very welcome. And with it, comes a whole host of changes.

The trees start to do the green thing, hormones start flying, people wear less and all sane people want to go out. I normally want to go out no matter what time of year/day it is so it's a great relief to be joined by the rest of our wonderful community who have been hibernating for the last five months eating doughnuts and pizzas. The only thing that can make the season perfect is a good fat date! And I do not mean start dating fat men. Never date fat men. They will make you eat for Sweden and we all know where that ends up - diet club.

I'm not going to go into how to get your date - I will let you use your own ingenuity, cunning and friends. What I am going to bang on about is your appearence and how you shoud behave. So here goes ....

The First Date is make or break - get it wrong and not only will you never see him again, but (depending on how appalling you were) you will be branded by his friends, family and town (you may even make it to the press) as "the local mad hag - keep well away" and it'll take about two years for you to lose the stigma. So Get It Right. Look pretty, not slutty. I've learnt over the years that (on the whole) chaps love their women to look like women. It may sound obvious but it's a little known fact. So unless you are meeting up with Mr I-don't wash-my-hair Grungy, be a girl. And this is great because dresses are massive this season! The best are the pretty floaty ones. They are just so feminine - any guy is just going to melt when he claps eyes on that! And remember, if it's still chilly, wear a coat or you'll just be miserable and shiver like a Paris Hilton's dog - not good. And if it's raining, take an umbrella.

Shoes are horribly important. Wear nice shoes, not sensible shoes. If you are one of life's walkers, there are plenty of pretty flat shoes and sandals around. If it's a bar date, get your car-to-bar shoes on. Don't ask me why but men really go all gooey the higher your shoes. Another one of life's mysteries. And if you're in sandals, get a pedicure. This should be a matter of course for every self-respecting woman during the summer months and, apart from anything else, it's a healthy thing to do. And no-one wants to expose their feet if they look like something that belongs to a cathedral wall.

Talking of nails, black nail varnish is really hitting the streets right now. It's quite an edgy look but do be careful - black will show up any imperfections without mercy. Any chips will be horribly obvious as will grotty cuticles. And if you bite your nails (shame on you!), sit on your hands. Hide them. However, if you are one of life's perfect creatures, Dior has a lovely varnish. The other colours that are doing the rounds right now are bright and fabulous colours: red, yellows, pinks, etc. Much kinder than black and fun too!

Accessories are brilliant right now. The most exciting look is the 80s thing. This looks fabulous on women in their 20s. Jewelry is big, bright and funky. Sadly, on older ladies, this just looks like you bought it from the local charity shop or you had it first time round - it just doesn't work. I, being one of those older ladies, love to wear my lovely diamante choker, heaps of silver chain bracelets, a pearl necklace (!). If in doubt, load it on - it's very now.

I'm guessing he'll pick where to go (they always seem to) but if not, pick a nice bar (my most favourite places in the world). If he suggests the local boozer, a sports bar (ie local boozer with a stonkingly huge telly in it and the football on), his mother's, or a strip joint, I would worry. This is a guy who is clueless and if he can't get this right, what would a relationship be like? I remember one chap who took me to the local boozer, got quite tipsy and then on to Waggamamas as he had "money off" vouchers. We did not see him again. Or the other chap who invited me for Sunday lunch. Very nice, you may think. And it was! Until he bolted his food down so he could watch the rugby and then tried to get fruity when England lost. I did not see him again either. I could go on but we're wandering here. I promise to tell you all about the losers sooner or later (and please, do give me your loser stories too).

Just be nice.

What not to do:

Talk for hours on your mobile phone - turn it off

Get completely and utterly drunk beyond belief (you may end up in hospital, the news or worst of all, on www) Scratch Sing Cry Tell him you love him Throw up Shag him

And that is that. Be sensible, flirt like mad and have a really great time!

Love yourself and be happy!